Books

Grandparenting

On Love and Relationships Across Generations

A warm, wise and practical guide to becoming the best grandparent – and parent – you can be

'Grandparenting is a long-awaited, well-informed, personal and well-researched insight into what it means to be a grandparent... A wonderful book’
– Julia Samuel, author of Every Family Has a Story

'Why does my daughter rebuff my advice?
‘Why was my dad never this patient with me?’
‘I didn’t expect to feel all this.’

The birth of a grandchild is a cause for celebration. But when a child becomes a parent themselves, existing family structures are radically altered. Old tensions between parents and their adult children may come into sharp relief, while new relationships with in-laws must be navigated carefully. And at the heart of two families is a small person, whose life will benefit hugely from the love of their grandparents.

In this warm, wise guide to being a modern grandparent, leading psychologist Terri Apter builds on cutting-edge research as well as her own experience as a grandparent. Drawing on case studies from across the world, Apter examines the crucial and changing role that grandparents play in our society, from those grandparents who find themselves caring for a grandchild, to how to support a grandchild through their parents’ divorce. This innovative book is for grandparents and for their adult children as they reimagine their relationships with each other, and become the best parents – and grandparents – that they can be.

February 2025 | September (Duckworth Books) | Psychology | Paperback | 288 pages | ISBN 9780715655740

The Teen Interpreter

A Guide to the Challenges and Joys of Raising Adolescents

The Teen Interpreter is a generous road map for enjoying the most challenging and rewarding, parenting years

'Terri Apter is a true expert when it comes to knowing and helping teenagers flourish... Everyone who has a teen in their life needs this wonderful book'
– Linda Blair, author of Birth Order

In The Teen Interpreter, psychologist Terri Apter looks into teens’ minds―minds that are experiencing powerful new emotions and awareness of the world around them―to show how parents can revitalise their relationship with their children. She illuminates the rapid neurological developments of a teen’s brain, along with their new, complex emotions, and offers strategies for disciplining unsafe actions constructively and empathetically. Apter includes up-to-the moment case studies that shed light on the anxieties and vulnerabilities that today’s teens face, and she thoughtfully explores the positives and pitfalls of social media.

With perceptive conversation exercises that synthesise research from more than thirty years in the field, Apter illustrates how teens signal their changing needs and identities―and how parents can interpret these signals and see the world through their teens’ eyes. The Teen Interpreter is a generous roadmap for enjoying the most challenging, and rewarding, parenting years.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 304 pages | ISBN 9781324050421

Passing Judgment

The Power of Praise & Blame in Everyday Life

Terri Apter reveals how everyday judgments impact our relationships and how praise, blame and shame shape our sense of self.

'Apter once again helps us to better understand ourselves and others'
– Liba Taub, University of Cambridge

Our obsession with praise and blame begins soon after birth.Totally dependent on others, rapidly we learn to value praise and to fear the consequences of blame. Despite outgrowing an infant's dependence, we continue to monitor others judgments of us and develop what relational psychologist Terri Apter calls a judgment meter, which constantly scans people and our interactions with them, registering a positive or negative opinion.

Apter reveals how interactions between parents and children, within couples, and among friends and colleagues are permeated with praise and blame that range far beyond specific compliments and accusations. Drawing on three decades of research, Apter gives us tools to learn about our personal needs, goals and values; to manage our biases; to tolerate others views; and to make sense of our most powerful, and often confusing, responses to ourselves and to others.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Hardback | 320 pages | ISBN 9780393247855

Difficult Mothers

Understanding and Overcoming Their Power

Mother love is often seen as sacred, but for many children the relationship is a painful struggle.

'Apter’s advice will help readers make sense of difficult mother-child relationships and develop strategies for reshaping responses and expectations'
– Library Journal

Using the newest research on human attachment and brain development, Terri Apter showcases five different types of difficult mother – the angry, the controlling, the narcissistic, the envious and the emotionally neglectful – and reveals the patterns of behaviour seen in each type.

She explains why a mother has such a powerful impact on us and why we continue to care about her responses, and she shows how to conduct an "emotional audit" to overcome the power of the feelings a difficult mother inflicts.

Difficult Mothers acknowledges the challenges facing the children of difficult mothers but also celebrates their resilience.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 256 pages | ISBN 9780393345445

What Do You Want from Me?

Learning to Get Along with In-Laws

Breaking new ground in family psychology, an exploration of the intricacy, friction, and love in the bonds between in-laws.

'The cover of What Do You Want from Me? should be stamped read before proceeding down the aisle'
– O, The Oprah Magazine

When we marry, we believe the bond is between only two individuals. Few of us realize the power that inlaws will exert over our lives. But the in-laws we acquire when we marry affect our quality of life―our marriage, family, personal comfort, and long-term well-being―for better or worse.

What Do You Want From Me? takes a fresh look at the age-old problem of managing conflict with in-laws, offering practical help for dealing with problems that are both immediate (“How do I deal with my in-laws now?”) and strategic (“How can I change the nature of my in-laws’ demands?”).

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 288 pages | ISBN 9781877015083

The Sister Knot

Why We Fight, Why We're Jealous and Why We Will Love Each Other No Matter What

Terri Apter explores the intricacy, friction, and love in bonds between sisters.

'The best book on sisters, very important and beautifully written'
— Carol Gilligan, author of In a Different Voice

Relationships between women are often freighted with a rocky mix of emotions—devotion and disregard, affection and loathing, admiration and envy—leading to anguish and confusion on the playground, in the home, and in the boardroom. Negotiating her layered feelings toward a sister shapes a woman’s psychology as forcefully as do her relationships with her parents.

Drawing on compelling interviews and new research, Terri Apter considers the many aspects of the sister relationship from birth through adulthood. The need to fight to differentiate oneself from a sister, as well the protectiveness one feels for that same person, is explained by reference to extensive psychological and biological evidence.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 304 pages | ISBN 9780393330625

You Don′t Really Know Me

Why Mothers and Daughters Fight and How Both Can Win

Understand what your teenage daughter really meansand learn to use your arguments to strengthen your bond with her.

'This is eminently sensible advice that may contribute to sending more women out into the world sure of their ability to shape their own future and confident of having their views heard'
— Guardian

Mothers and teenage daughters argue more than any other child-parent pairon average every two-and-a-half days. These quarrels, Terri Apter shows, are attempts to negotiate changes in a relationship that is valued by both mothers and daughters. A daughter often feels her mother doesn't know or understand her, and by fighting hopes to force her mother into a new awareness of who she really is, how she has changed, and what she is now capable of doing and understanding. But mothers often misinterpret their daughter's outbursts as signs of rejection, and they may pull back feeling hurt and confused.

Through case studies and conversations between mothers and daughters, Apter shows mothers how to interpret the meanings behind a daughter's angry words and how to emerge from arguments with a new closeness.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 288 pages | ISBN 9780393327106

The Confident Child

Raising Children to Believe in Themselves

A renowned social psychologist's clear-cut, thoughtful, and practical strategy for parents who want to promote self-confidence in their child.

Winner of The Delta Kappa Gamma Society International Educator's Award

Raising confident, motivated, and caring children is a parent's greatest challenge. Drawing on her own extensive research on children and parents, Terri Apter has created a guide based on "emotional coaching"—learning to respond appropriately to a child's feelings—that helps parents raise children to solve problems, to be socially active and understand others, and to manage emotions, all of which are crucial to developing confidence and functioning successfully in society.

Hugely insightful, reassuring, and accessible, The Confident Child is a truly necessary parenting guide.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 272 pages | ISBN 9780393328967

The Myth of Maturity

What Teenagers Need from Parents to Become Adults

Debunking the outdated and misguided ideas about maturity.

'Parents and young adults alike should benefit from the advice in Apter's insightful book'
— Washington Post

What do young people at the threshold of adulthood really need and want? Why do so many responsible and motivated teenagers become young adults who are still dependent, financially and emotionally, on their parents? Why are many young people today so quick to leave childhood behind, but so slow to become adults?

In this wise and compassionate book, Terri Apter debunks outdated and misguided ideas about maturity: Acting in the name of love, many parents withdraw emotional or practical support, thinking it best for a son or daughter to solve his or her own problems—even to suffer alone the consequences of mistakes. Apter shows us that young adults actually need a parent's guidance and support, while also requiring respect and independence. Based on carefully observed case studies and current research, this book describes how we can support young people through a crucial stage in their development.

W. W. Norton & Company | Psychology | Paperback | 288 pages | ISBN 9780393323177